#13 Affection Is a Reward

Highfives Insights: Affection is very rewarding to most dogs though, as tough as it sounds, affection is not needed for your dog to survive.

When it comes to dogs, affection needs to be earned in order for a dog to feel accomplished rather than spoiled. Unfortunately we freely give affection to dogs all the time, especially right off the bat in the mornings, when they are cuddly little puppies, or when we first adopt a fearful dog from the shelter. I mean, who can resist right? We just want to smother them with love and let them know they have the best family in the world.
And when any dog shows signs of fear or anxiety, we take that as another opportunity to soothe them because we feel bad seeing them in pain. Love is a cure for everything right? 

The truth is affection and love are actually two very different things. You can share affection in a selfish, imbalanced way if you do not put your dog’s natural needs first.
Affection is also a valuable training tool. Using affection at the wrong time will encourage very unhealthy behaviours or insecurity. Giving too much affection in comparison to exercise and discipline creates a dog who is confused with what her purpose is, too dependent or possessive of the owner, comfortable enough to vent bratty frustration, paralyzed by fear that is inadvertently encouraged, or gripped with major aggression (the most common side effect to an imbalance in affection). We're spoiling our dogs to the point of mental breakdowns. 

Did you know a lot of dogs who end up in shelters were actually never abused? There's just not that many serious abuse cases out there. Many dogs were sent or returned to the shelter by LOVING family homes who did not properly provide the hard stuff but did provide the easy stuff. A puppy who grows up without rules soon becomes a bratty adult who shows aggression, jumps too much, destroys the house, runs havoc in the yard, and/or yanks their family down the road while on-leash to the point of injury. These problems can be remedied quite quickly to ensure a dog can make progress and avoid being returned but many shelters continue with the use of over-affection so healthy progress isn't always made. Sometimes the result is a dog who loses a chance with a new family and ultimately her life. 

It was actually 'too much affection' that created the problem in the first place. No physical abuse or neglect. The dog was not starved of love, she was starved of respect. 
To seal my point, almost every aggressive case I have taken on has never been an abuse case. It is almost always a relationship-gone-wrong, where the dog has everything she could ever need except for good old exercise and training.

Humans generally take the emotional approach instead of the instinctual approach. When we meet dogs, we want to touch them and coo at them. We don't really stop to think of how unnatural that is for a dog. Not even dogs greet each other in that fashion yet we expect all or most dogs should to be greeted with affection, touch, and voice. 

Once you approach a dog in this manner (rushing in to pat and gush over her), you lose all respect in that dog's mind. She'll know exactly where you stand. You become the dog lover but not the knowledgeable dog leader. Once that happens, that dog will start setting the boundaries herself. Maybe she shows it by jumping on you anytime you meet her, or maybe she growls and snaps when you go to pet her again. Or maybe she even completely runs the show by taking you for the walk. 
When raising a puppy, this is compounded even further. We mess up a lot of dogs by the overuse of affection. Over-stimulated pups get stressed or frustrated and start biting without restraint. They also learn the complete opposite of what their mothers taught them: Excitement and bad manners gets them what they want because we often redirect nipping with toys and treats.

We've given our dogs completely control of our hearts without even building a relationship with them first. We're actually doing them a disservice by disrespecting who they are as DOGS and only thinking of our needs. When we think on this subject, we need to realize it should no longer be about us but about them. We should be taking the appropriate steps to ensure we aren't dooming our dogs with good intentions. 

If a human approaches a dog and stays calm while keeping his hands to himself, the dog will approach to take in important information. Scent and energy is what counts in the dog world. By sniffing, the dog is being introduced to the human in a natural way. She will then stick around to eventually receive affection or she will choose to give space. By respecting this ritual, we gain both trust and respect in the dog's eyes. And trust and respect equal loyalty, a dog who will be willing to listen and learn with you. Then your love will mean something important instead of being de-valued. 

I know it's hard to wrap minds around the fact that affection can actually be deadly, but once again, let's take a look at the big picture... 
A dog starts out by receiving too much affection. She will figure out the human is not in control and is in an emotional (weaker) state. She starts setting her own rules (or living by no rules!) and acts out in unwanted ways. This is usually when people feel embarrassed and guilty, subsequently pouring more love into the dog as a means to soothe their own conscience. The dog continues to get worse and the owner starts feeling frustrated, resentful, and helpless. There can never be TRUE love being shared in this scenario. The relationship started on an emotional level and became an intense negative emotional cycle because the dog is stuck in a pattern that we humans created. 

I always get called by people who say they absolutely love their dog to bits but they're about to give her away because the stress is too hard to deal with. I get it. That's why I'm saying let's use love in a healthy, productive way. The only real love you can give and receive from your dog comes when you are using your affection as a reward after fulfilling your dogs needs first. And then you will be enjoying life with a BALANCED dog!

Remember, what you pet is what you get!

Jenna